You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
