i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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