I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
