Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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