wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
