Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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