We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
