I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
