ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
