i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
