I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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