i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
