apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
