not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
