The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
