The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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