my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
