I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
