I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm passing your future prison.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
