toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
