It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
