Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
