I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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