you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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