I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
