Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Drake has all the answers
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
