Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
