speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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