I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
