I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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