When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
