That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
