dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
