Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
