Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
