I think im going to throw up on grandma
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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