Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
