Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
