Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
