I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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