I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
