i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
