the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
