Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
