My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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