I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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