theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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