I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
