you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This is my gift to your gina
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
