: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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